Motherhood. A messy, exhausting, all-consuming piece of yourself that seems to take over your entire being. As a current stay at home mom to three wonderful children ages five, three, and three months…I sometimes feel like I have lost “me”. I am “Mommy” right now. From 4:00 in the morning with that first feeding of my daughter, to 9:30 at night when she finally goes to bed, and all the in between of taking care of everyone…there isn’t a lot of time to do things for me. I would love to read a book or watch a mindless sitcom, or heck…just go to the bathroom or eat a sandwich without answering a dozen questions. But my days right now are primarily filled with being a parent.
This is just fine; I chose this. But I still miss being someone other than “Mom” at times. I feel like I have one identity in which to get things right, and that is being a mom. So when I feel as if things are coming unglued: my oldest is crying because I “NEVER” play games with him (I just played three games of Spot It with him), my middle child wants his fifth snack of the day (and it’s 10 a.m.), and my darling daughter is crying because she just had a “poopsplosion”…I want to sit down, and say, “I am doing my best! Can’t the craziness end?? I need something to keep me going!”
It didn’t take me long to realize that motherhood is not really about those moments that you see in commercials or on family channel specials. Yes, those moments do happen, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes the stars align and all my kids listen to me…for at least 15 minutes. Sometimes I make dinner and everyone eats it without whining. (GASP! Did that really just happen?!! We are eating this EXACT meal EVERY night for the rest of our lives!)
But sometimes my oldest is growling at me saying that I am NOT invited to his birthday party, or that I am “not his BFF!!” (I know buddy, I’m your mom)…and I think that I must have done something wrong along the way to have such a sassy kid. My boys can play like best friends one moment, and be slugging each other the next. I think to myself, “How did I lose control? Why don’t they play nicely?” When I get tired, I tend to chalk up all of this to some sort of failure somewhere along the line that I could have controlled. Shouldn’t there have been an article, book, or blog post on this topic that would’ve taught me what to do? If I’m going to do this mom thing, I want to do it RIGHT!
And then along comes one of those shiny Hallmark or Pinterest worthy moments that puts some much needed meaning back into the madness. Yesterday I had a long day home with the kids. Nothing overly crazy went wrong, but there was the general commotion of occasional fighting, not pooping in the toilet, spilling things, the no-naps-coinciding kind of chaos that can leave a mom feeling like she ran a marathon. With three monkeys attached to her the whole way. After dinner, I ran out to an appointment and was gone less than an hour. And let’s be honest: even though I was going to get three allergy shots, the thought of sitting out the obligatory thirty minutes post shots to make sure that I had no reactions sounded SO amazing. Thirty minutes to sit, in peace and quiet. Ahhh. A chance to decompress from a long and crazy day and not be needed by someone else.
When I returned home, there in the driveway was what I needed to get through the next crazy day. My oldest son had written the simple message “I love you Mom” on the driveway in chalk. I asked my husband if he told my son to write this, since I probably left the house with a bit of a crazed look in my eyes from our daily adventures, but he said no, he simply helped with the spelling of the message per my son’s request.
Now only a mom could see something more than just chalk in something like this. But I took a moment and let this sweet message sink in. When I am crabby with the kids, even when we don’t leave the house because I don’t dare try with the current state of emotions in my young kiddos…my son still loves me. Somehow, he can see past the tired, overwhelmed lady to the mom that he loves. He found the good in our day and let it be known on the driveway. When I see his note, I remind myself of all the things that we did do while “surviving” at home. Because sometimes that’s what it feels like in the moment: surviving. But it is so much more than that.
We played games. (A lot of games.) I played a few more rounds of Uno and Kings in the Corner than I wanted to play. We picked blackberries in the backyard on our daily quest to find a tasty snack. I picked them all for my son who didn’t want to get close to the bugs. I hate bugs. Especially the white spider by the “bestest berry right THERE Mom!” My son’s smile was my reward for my near-spider encounter.
I played soccer with one son and catch with the other…at the same time. I read books to them. Made them meals. Trimmed their fingernails. (Now if that isn’t a glamorous mom moment…) And the list goes on. So instead of thinking of all those things that weren’t so great today, when I look at what I did right…well there was actually quite a bit of it. And enough of me being the best mom that I can be, so much so that my son could overlook his numerous timeouts and my resulting frustration, and just love me. Perhaps I filled the day up with enough good to overlook the bad.
Before I ran out the door to my appointment, my son quickly ran to me, grabbed my hand, and plopped a kiss on it. He ran away without saying anything. But between that and his sweet message on the driveway, I was reminded that I am enough for him. And enough for all of my children. Because no matter what our day looks like and how it goes, the one thing they know without a doubt is that their mom loves them.
So the next time you feel crazy and fed up and thinking that things couldn’t get any nuttier, you couldn’t get any more exhausted, or you will never measure up to what mothers are “supposed” to do and be, look for the little things that can keep you going. A message in the driveway. A picture made for you with love. A kiss or a snuggle that is unexpected. These moments will carry you through the rest of the craziness that fills your days. These moments make me glad that I am Mommy, even if it is all the time.
Wishing you a moment or two that keeps you going today!
Leave a Reply